Life and death.

I feel so completely different today. Strange. Slightly odd. Highly emotional and yet not outwardly expressive - more quiet, reflective, pensive.

Bjorn's grandfather passed away last night. I knew him fairly well - I spent time with him whenever I visited Bjorn, especially on New Year's Days when the entire family gathered together. Whenever Bjorn spoke of his Opa, it was with an obvious respect and love. He was a good man who worked hard, loved his family and provided for them, and had a fighters spirit right up until the end. He climbed trees until he was 83. And he adored Bjorn. "That's MY boy," he told Bjorn's mother when Bjorn visited me for Christmas. Opa was in the hospital with pancreatic cancer and missed his grandson. Despite Bjorn insisting the contrary, I will always feel a slight guilt for being the reason Bjorn wasn't at his grandfather's side for those two weeks during the holidays.

Opa passed peacefully in his sleep, relieved of the burden of cancer and infection. I am glad he is no longer suffering, but the family he loved hurts. They will hurt for awhile. I hurt, and I wasn't as close to him as Bjorn and his sister were. Opa was always kind to me, and though we needed the family to translate in order for us to communicate, we had good visits. I think he liked me - at least, I hope he did. I certainly liked him.

In the last few days since he got worse, my heart has been heavy. And that takes a toll on a person. I hurt for Opa, I hurt for Bjorn, I hurt for the family I love so much. I wanted to make their pain go away, while struggling with my own grief. They had all accepted his passing before he went, a strength I admire deeply. And they included me in it - keeping me updated from 5,000 miles away, caring about how I felt as much as they felt. They shared a private loss with an outsider, because they have accepted me into their family. And that means the world to me.

Death has a funny way of shifting your perception on life. It makes you re-prioritize, and suddenly so many worldly things and issues that we worry about every day don't mean as much anymore. Suddenly, school and grades and tests don't have nearly as much weight as they used to. They aren't the most important focus in my life - at least, I don't have to worry and stress over them as much as I used to. Taking the bus instead of having a car isn't so much of a burden. Not having enough money to go shopping or buy myself anything besides paying bills doesn't ruin my mood as much as it used to. And frankly, I am not in the slightest bothered by people who don't like me. That's life.

The things that are most important aren't things. Family is number one - and always has been - but being with them is more urgent than ever. Love is the single most important thing in the world, and without it, you truly have nothing. I am grateful to have so much love in my life. My parents are wonderful role-models and my heroes, and I can't express how much I love and respect them -- and how grateful I am that they love me and are proud of me in return. I have grown up with the blessing of my grandparents close to me, despite losing my dad's father when I was seven. I consider my parents' siblings not only aunts and uncles, but friends as well.

I have dear friends who would do anything for me, and I for them. And I consider myself truly blessed to be loved by another person - the man whose family has accepted me into their arms.

Today, all I want to do is be with them. My family, my boyfriend, his family, my friends. I want to laugh and talk and chat, and I want to cry and hug and tell everyone how much I love them.

And I want to go live my life. I want to break out of this routine box I live in every day, and embark on an adventure. I want to travel the world - climb mountains, swim in lakes, watch sunsets and sunrises, sleep under a desert sky full of stars, learn new languages and eat new foods, step on the soil of many countries and meet people all over the globe. I want to marry the one person I love more than anything in the world and spend the rest of my life with him. I want a family of my own. I want to have children and raise them to be good, honest, hard working people. Like Opa did. He and Oma were together for over 60 years, raised children, saw them raise their own children, and watched a beautiful family blossom. A family that was all by his side when he took his last breath.

I think Opa accepted that it was time to go because his life was so full and rich, and he had done all he wanted to do. He left behind a beautiful legacy in the people he had created and the people who loved him, and in them, he will never die. It was time to go to sleep, because he was tired. He made peace with the world and with God, and said goodbye.

And I can only hope that, when my time comes, I will have lived a full life. I won't have regrets. And I will have the same strength and courage to say goodbye, like Opa.
~

When All Is Said and Done

I absolutely love this song from Mamma Mia (work of ABBA), even with Pierce Brosnan singing. Not that's he's terrible, but he wasn't born to be a singer. With this song, however, his gentle voice makes it work.

Here's to us, one more toast, and then we'll pay the bill
Deep inside both of us can feel the autumn chill
Birds of passage, you and me
We fly instinctively
When the summer's over and the dark clouds hide the sun
Neither you nor I'm to blame when all is said and done

It's been there in my dreams the scene i see unfold
Who at last flesh and blood to cherish and hold
Jealous fools will suffer yes i know and i confess
once i lost my way when something good had just began
lesson learned its history all is said and done

In our lives we have walked some strange and lonely treks
Slightly worn but dignified and not too old for sex
We're still striving for the sky
No taste for humble pie
Thanks for all your generous love and thanks for all the fun
Neither you nor I'm to blame when all is said and done

It's so strange when you're down and lying on the floor
How you rise, shake your head, get up and ask for more
Clear-headed and open-eyed
With nothing left to try
Standing calmly at the crossroads,no desire to run
There's no hurry any more when all is said and done

Standing calmly at the crossroads,no desire to run
There's no hurry any more when all is said and done

Beth Hart: Sister Heroine

I have recently gotten into Beth Hart, another fantastic female rocker. Bjorn's mom introduced me to her a few years ago, but I only owned one song she did with Neal Schon (Journey guitarist) at a Les Paul anniversary gig. She recently released her 6th album, "My California" - and that is what Elly shared with me.

I LOVE IT.

Beth has a unique, raw voice that can croon ballads and belt out angry, angsty rock numbers equally as well. She is known for the latter, but apparently, on this latest album, her producer wanted her to "write her story" and keep the songs mellow and emotional. Beth was reportedly hesitant, and insisted that if she didn't like the completed project, she'd wipe it and start all over. But once it was done, she was satisfied.

The tracks tell her story - of her unfortunate childhood and adolescence in Los Angeles, the pain of addiction, losing and finding herself again, and the danger of mistrust and fear of other people. The 7th track, "Sister Heroine," is my favorite song on the album - and also the saddest. It's a tribute to her own sister, who died of heroin abuse, and is so powerful I can't stop listening to it.

It starts out as a soft, sad ballad, but picks up with deep emotion. In a way, it is even more powerful than it would be as some sad Barry Manilow lost-love song (which can be beautiful in their own way, of course). It reflects her pain, her struggle with closure, and honors the memory of her sister beautifully. And notice how the title is "heroine" - with an 'e' - to refer to her sister as a tragic female hero, rather than calling her the drug.

And what's cooler is that Slash (former guitarist of Guns N' Roses) guest performs on the track.

Lyrics
It's gonna be a dark cold December
With shaking lilies in the yard
Your sweet face I will remember
And how I'm gonna miss your stubborn heart

So forgive me for my weakness
I guess my faith is a little stoned
The angels cried on a Friday
The day that God walked you home

So goodbye, Sister Heroine
I'll remember everything
I love you, I love you, I love you
Goodbye white trash beauty queen
Your crooked heart and your beat up dreams
I love you, I love you, I love you

It hurts to laugh here without you
A piece inside of us is gone
Mama tries to smile too
You've never seen that woman try so hard
No more working Alvarado
No more liars, tramps or thieves.
Your skin and bones don't cast no shadow
On an empty bed in Motel Six

So goodbye, Sister Heroine
I'll remember everything
I love you, I love you, I love you
Goodbye, white trash beauty queen
Your crooked heart and your beat up dreams
I love you, I love you, I love you

We all threw roses at your feet
While you burned our crosses in the street
So if you're looking down on me
I love you, love you...

Goodbye, Sister Heroine
I'll remember everything
I miss you, I miss you, I miss you
Goodbye, Sister Heroine
And to the hell you were living in
I love you, I love you, I love you

Goodbye, white trash superstar
Shine on, wherever you are
I love you, I love you, I love you
I love you.

Winter Wonderland & the Efteling

I'm in Holland again. This is my fifth time visiting - third time in the winter, and I've been here twice during the summer. As much as it's freezing and can be miserable outside, I think I still prefer it during the winter months because it is so breathtakingly beautiful. The snow and ice blanket everything, drip off rooftops and form icicles, settle in tree branches, layer softly atop bird houses, benches, and car roofs and generally paint everything a brilliant shade of white. Even for days after the snowfall stops, the world is white.



Perhaps anyone who lives with snow every year will not see this as romantically as I do - and I can certainly understand. However, I love the fact that I am so inexperienced and unfamiliar with this particular weather phenomenon, because it allows me to appreciate its natural beauty - something people desensitized to it will not allow themselves to do.

Bjorn, his sister Ester, her best friend Kristin (from Germany), and I visited the Dutch fairy-tale theme park Efteling last week. I've been there before, but that was during one of those aforementioned miserable winter days - it was so cold that it COULDN'T snow, and the ice got into my very bones and made the Efteling difficult to enjoy. This time, it was slightly warmer, but I was prepared and bundled up like an eskimo. And it was perfect, because the four of us had more fun than I anticipated.




Along a beautiful stone walk leading through the woodsy part of the park (literally, I felt like I was in a fairy tale.)


View from a scenic ride on a track in the air (not a sky ride, but up off the ground.)


Apparently in the summer, you can hop across those stones - the building on the right is a storybook castle.


Kristin works at the Build A Bear Workshop in Berlin, and she has a stuffed frog from there - his name is Kyle Ribbitt, and he goes with her on all of her adventures, dressed in various outfits from his wardrobe. Kyle accompanied us to the Efteling as well, bundled in his shirt, jeans, sweater, and Converse high-top sneakers. It was ridiculously fun for a group of 20+-year-olds to parade around a children's theme park with a stuffed frog in our midst, but even more fun that the employees humored him so willingly - he met Pardoes (the Efteling mascot), a pair of theatric ice dancers in the night lights show, and a server at the cafe at the popular Fata Morgana ride (much like Pirates of the Caribbean, but with an Asian/jungle theme instead of pirates).

(all pictures courtesy of Kristin Mothes)


That's Kyle.


Kristin, Kyle, and Ester


(notice Kyle walking with us)


They have these huge bonfires throughout the park during the winter, so we can warm up. I LOVE those things!


A real steam-powered locomotive that tours the park.

Story time:
On the ride called Carnaval Festival (like It's A Small World), we had a bit of an adventure trying to get a picture of Ester, Kristin, and Kyle. Bjorn and I were in one carriage, and the other three were in the one in front. The ride is mechanically the same as the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland, so the little carriages run along a track and twist and turn so you can see the props/scenery. Well, Kristin wanted pictures. She got one of Bjorn and me:



...and then she wanted me to take one of Ester, Kyle, and her. So imagine the four of us - Kristin trying to pass me her iPhone while her carriage starts turning, then when she's facing me again, mine starts to turn. So there's a lot of yelling, laughing, stretching, and reaching -- and we're entirely ignoring the ride. Then when I finally get the iPhone, we have to wait for the opportune moment to take the picture - when the carriages are facing each other again. Finally we get the perfect setting, the carriages are facing each other, Kristin, Kyle, and Ester are smiling, I snap the shutter -- and the camera flash won't go off. So I yell, reset the camera, they hurry and re-pose...and the carriage starts turning.

The flash fails again. So then I have to pass the phone back to Kristin to fix the settings (and you guessed it, the carriage starts turning again.) This went on for nearly the entire ride, all the way until the final stretch of singing, dancing puppets, and the ride's automatic camera that takes your picture as you pass in your carriage. Well, the camera phone was back in my hand, and the other three were smiling, the carriages were facing forward, and it was the perfect time to take the picture before the ride ended and it was too late. Then I noticed Bjorn's and my carriage was approaching the ride's camera. Doing some quick thinking and frantic movements in about three seconds, I set the camera, focused the lens on the trio ahead, turned my head, and took the picture as I smiled for the ride's camera.

The results at the photo shop were too good to pass up, and we all have copies.



Definitely a trip to remember.