What's up?

I guess you all could be asking me the same question.

Well, life has been hectic since I last posted...*checks*...almost two months ago. HOLY poo. Was it that long ago? I suppose that's a good thing; it means time is going by more quickly than it feels on a day-to-day basis, and that my light at the end of the tunnel (*ahem* graduation) will be here sooner than I feel like it will.

But then again, sitting here in this dorm tonight, it feels like it will take a century.

First off, I'm sneezing every ten minutes, my head is one big ball of pressure, my eyes itch, my stomach hurts, and my ear feels like I went swimming for a week upside down. Yes, I'm that creative. Stupid allergies waited until the DAY I got back to CSUN after spring break to attack me. You know, AFTER I had ten days to relax and enjoy a stress-free vacation, and when I had to come back to duties, responsibilities, exams, and papers. Mother Nature just loves to plan things that way, I guess. Mucinex and Tylenol Sinus & Allergy are helping, slightly, but coupled with the Advil I was instructed to take for my aching shoulder (oh yeah, that hurts too - did something to it), I just feel loony and sleepy all the time. I actually fell asleep watching Gilmore Girls tonight, at 6pm. I hate naps, they just make me feel groggy.

So aside from the fact that I'm falling apart, CSUN is still the same. The intelligence level of the majority of students here continues to astound me: in one day, I nearly got run over by three bicycles, walked into by a girl so absorbed in her stupid texting that she didn't even look where she was walking, hit on by some guy drunk off his arse mid-morning, nearly plowed into by some idiot driving on the wrong side of the road, and had my nerves rattled, yet again, by our faithful downstairs neighbors, who never fail to start playing their instrument sets JUST when I sit down to write a term paper or study for an exam. They were playing when I walked into the dorm yesterday, laden with my bags fresh from spring break (welcome back!) and I notified the RA for the five billionth time. It's sad: she doesn't even have to ask me what's wrong anymore. I knock on the door or call her, and she simply says "I'll tell them to turn it down." Will you really? Because the fact that they play those damn things EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. (and have done so since August) really makes me think that you either don't do a thing, or you're friends with them and they don't take you seriously. Either way, this complaint has gone up to the highest level of CSUN housing staff there is...and nothing has been done about it. They've apparently been given three citations and talked to by at LEAST 5 RAs at various times, and allegedly had a conference with the director of housing himself. But it continues. So I give up. I'll just live in the library the rest of the semester.

On that note, it would be an understatement to say that I am struggling to finish this semester. The phrase "so over school" and "suffering from senioritis" don't do the feeling any justice: I can hardly make myself focus anymore. I have always been the straight-A (okay, with some Bs) student, the 3.5+ GPA average and honor roll girl, who cares deeply about doing well and performing well on exams, papers, and projects. I graduated high school with a 4.2 GPA for crying out loud, and was president of the Book Club, editor on the newspaper for three years, and a member of the National Honor Society. I have made the Dean's list every semester but one in my college career, and was just recently accepted to Kappa Tau Alpha, the National Journalism Honor Society. So WHY, in my last semester, when I should (in theory) care more about my grades than any other semester, am I only putting forth half my effort in my academics?

Because I DON'T care. Not anymore. I certainly don't want to fail, but for the first time in my entire life, a C is fine with me. I'm so tired of busting my butt to get top grades - not that I don't think I can do it, but because it just doesn't matter to me anymore. My mental framework is so altered now - I'm looking to the future, to real life, my career and my passions and my hobbies that I want to incorporate into my professional life. And an A in my Greek Mythology or Gerontology class just doesn't mean a thing anymore. What good will it do anyway? In the grand scheme of things? WHat will it mean, fifty, twenty, even five years from now, that I got an A in that class? Will it be worth staying up late, working my ass off, stressing myself out to wow the professor on that 10-page term paper? Um, no.

My journalism classes are another story: those, I care about. Those, I want to do well in. Obviously. That's my thing. But I am so tired, mentally, physically, emotionally...and so entirely burned out from this whole student business, that I even struggle with those. I worked hard on the biggest journalism project I've ever been assigned: a 3,000+ word article (that's 10 pages, folks) on why students at CSUN are not graduating on time (why the university's graduation average is so much lower than the national standard). I cared about that...and I did well. I'm proud of that piece, and I can include it in my portfolio for the future.

But the 10-page research paper I just slapped together on the benefits of social affiliation among human beings for my psychology class wasn't as important. It was interesting, perhaps, but it was a duty to fulfill. 20% of my grade in that class. The only reason I did it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm experiencing one hell of a disparity here. Where I am, what I'm doing, who I'm with are vastly different from where I want to be, what I want to be doing, and with whom I want to do it. I miss Bjorn. I MISS BJORN. He is my best friend, my mentor, my companion, my partner, my teammate, my sidekick, my other half...you name it, he's it. Every time I'm with him, we only grow stronger and he becomes more a part of me than I can possibly explain in words. I truly, literally, cannot imagine my life without him. It's not just romantic or whimsical love, it's a friendship and partnership that is missing when we're apart. I can handle life on my own on a day to day basis, of course, because I have to. But I don't want to anymore. I want to spend my time with him, because we have the best time when we're together.

I want to be home in San Marcos, and I want to be creating a home in Eindhoven in the Netherlands, and I want to be vacationing in Switzerland and backpacking through Italy and cruising through the Mediterranean Sea. Anywhere but stuffy, smelly, harried, frenzied Northridge and the (mostly) classless people who reside here. I honestly feel like this dorm is a prison sometimes: I'm forced to fulfill the role of in-residence student, and the deadlines keep coming so I have to write those papers and study for the exams and read those boring textbooks, but my brain is a million miles away, my heart is closed off to it all, and I ache every single day to be out of here.

And as I type this, the guys downstairs have started playing their drums and all I want to do is cry, or scream, or throw my things into a suitcase and leave this place for good. One of these days, I'm afraid I might. I only have five weeks left in this god forsaken place, but it feels like an eternity. Thank GOD for my roommates, because they are my only saving grace. I have forged wonderful friendships with Danielle, Sean, and Angela, and our new roommate Monique is a sweetheart. I know for a fact that I would NOT have made it this far without them. There is no doubt in my mind.

Someday this will all be in the past, and that's the only thing keeping me going. As I tick down the days on my calendar, I have to remind myself until I'm tired of it that these days will eventually be a memory, a time that I can recall and say "Thank God that's over." That day will come. I will have left, moved on, finished, graduated, and leapt into the world I can't wait to taste: unchained, unleashed, free to explore and indulge and learn and work and prosper. I know it's not paradise. I know responsibilities lie outside the realm of school, and that graduation is not a ticket to everlasting vacation. But it's a trampoline into the big, bright world, and there is so much to discover. I want to discover it! That desire has been burning so brightly in my heart for so long - there is so much more to life than these thin dorm walls.

Anyway...now that I have whined and complained for 45 minutes, I think I'll go turn Gilmore Girls back on and float away to Stars Hollow, where their small-town dramas somehow relate to my own troubles, and I feel better...even if it's just temporary.

Thanks for listening to my grumbles. I'll try to make the next entry more positive. ;)